Eulogy

Paul and I were brothers. Though we did not know each other for very long, we were brothers. We shared common interests, a love of family, adoration of our wives, easy love of children and grandchildren. And we shared a special knowledge, one so intimate and beautiful and terrible that we rarely spoke its name, for we shared ALS. Paul and I were brothers.

Initially, I met Paul through my blog, having just written my disappointment in the failure of an 18 month drug trial in which I had participated. Given the whiny tone of this particular blog entry, Paul made the decision to introduce himself to me in this most inimitable way – a little bit about him, a little bit about life, and a big hang in there. He wrote:

“I want you to know that you’re not alone. After a year and a half of pursuing cardiology and pulmonology we finally got to the right Department–Neurology. So I was diagnosed in May of this year, but in fact I am starting my third year since onset of symptoms.” … He went on to share my disappointment in the drug trial, adding his own comment on a stem cell trial that he thought was probably not on the up and up. And he ended with, ” I’ll come back at you again but what you wrote that I just read this morning compelled me to reach out now, taking a risk of sounding trite. I’ll just say Hang in there for now.”

So Paul reached out to me, partly in introduction, partly to comfort, but mostly because he knew we were brothers.

My first meeting face-to-face with Paul was at a place that many of you might find surprising. Paul and I were yoga buddies. We would meet at an adaptive yoga course, Paul driven by Dee, and me driven by a friend. We would do our best to fulfill the different adaptations of the yoga asanas, and the nature of the class always meant that our arms were out and our feet were up as we tried to live up to the desires of our teachers, who I guess I should add were female. One Friday, I received an email from Paul telling me that he could not come to yoga that day. “Tell those skinny ladies that I’ll be back next week,” he wrote, and I did, exactly as he wrote it, and they were delighted. More importantly, after yoga Paul and I would drive up to each other in our chairs, grasp hands and talk quietly. We talked about how life was going, we talked about grandchildren, we talked about our wives, and most of all just out of earshot, we talked about living and dying with ALS.

The first time I visited Paul at his home, I went with a caregiver, Natalia that we both had shared. She tried to prepare me for the experience, telling me that I would probably have to be a very good listener. I reassured her that I thought I could be as such. But to be honest with you, I never have heard a man who could segue from story to story to story without taking a breath, and this was in spite of the fact that he was struggling with his breathing. Paul, on his own turf, was one at which to marvel, to shake my head, and to laugh and to cry.

To me, Paul was larger-than-life.  Overcoming numerous life challenges including surviving a major heart attack, Paul once told me that his heart attack changed his outlook on dying. He told me that ALS could not scare him, because he had seen what was to come. He said, “All of this stuff,” and he waved his hand, “is not that important. It’s much more important to love your friends.” And when we left each other that day I told him, “I love you man.” And Paul replied, “I love you brother.” After that, whether it was a phone conversation or a visit or yoga, we made sure we told each other we loved each other whenever we said goodbye. ALS taught us that life is too short to not say the things that are true.

I was asked if perhaps I might talk a little bit about what it was like for Paul to battle ALS. I have struggled with that part of this eulogy, not because Paul wasn’t valiant or brave or strong. I’ve struggled because when you do battle, it is too easy for the enemy to define you. Paul refused to be defined by ALS. He battled its symptoms, he rebelled against what was good for him; I cannot tell you how many conversations Paul and I had about adventures in the bathroom. But ALS could not define him. Instead, he told stories – stories of his childhood, stories of great challenge, stories of his work life, stories of his family, stories of goodness and love, always with a bit of wit and a bit more a moral. If anything, Paul defined not so much the battle, but how to make peace with a life in ALS.

Six days ago on Sunday afternoon, my son and daughter-in-law drove me to Waconia to see Paul. I knew it would be the last time I would see him, I knew. When we arrived, Molly met us and through tears told us that Paul had rallied. We went into the room and there was Paul – surrounded by a pink neck pillow, a monkey backpack, and all manner of family – Dee ever present, sons and of course, Molly. They graciously allowed me to roll up next to him, and he grasped my arm as if he would never let go – I can still feel it today. Paul introduced me to his family saying, “This is my friend Bruce. He is a good listener. And I tell him stories.”

Paul was in that holy space between life and death, lucid for one minute as he spoke of his needs at hand – a bit of water, an adjustment of the pillow – and seemingly beyond all of us in the next as he commented on how beautiful was the view. One of the last things he said was, “You can see the view from Highway 7.”

In hindsight, I now realize that of all of us in the room that day, Paul was the most aware and lucid.  You see, about a month ago Paul and Dee visited my wife and me at our home overlooking Highway 7. Far from moving in and out of lucidity, Paul offered the same gift as when he initially reached out to me. He reassured us beyond our own ability to perceive, that there would be beauty. And for me specifically, a brother in ALS, he offered comfort, prescience, a glimpse of the beyond, that it would be beautiful, and I would see it.

As I said, we were brothers; we shared a lot. When I left, I told him that I wouldn’t say goodbye because I knew we would meet again. In my future, and probably in all of yours, are many more stories from my friend, my brother – Paul.

I love you man.

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13 thoughts on “Eulogy

  1. The last thing I needed today was to cry, but I did, visualizing the two of you together for the last time.

  2. We remember Paul, Dee, and Molly from ALS Support Group. Paul’s stories and humor were so engaging. What an optimistic, caring and warm spirit he has. How sad to learn of his loss and our sympathies to his loving family. Paul and my own dear sister, Joan, now share the same beautiful view and never-ending light.

    God bless you, Bruce, as your own journey continues. Congratulations on your beautiful Hypatia. Treasure every moment. Sandy

  3. I loved how Paul was able to glimpse the beauty of what was to come before he was completely finished with the here and now. Thank you for sharing Paul with us.

  4. Ev had mentioned a eulogy, but I didn’t realize it was for Paul. It is beautiful Bruce, and all will be beautiful. thanks again for that reminder.

  5. I got goose bumps and tears in my eyes reading this. It’s as if I was tagging along with you through these moments. I’m so sorry you lost your dear friend; I’m glad that he was able to comfort and reassure you as well. I send you a big, long hug.

  6. Dear Bruce. I had the pleasure of meeting you at the Mayo civic center this past spring. I was in a wheelchair and I have Kennedy’s Dis. I am sorry about your brother in Dis Ease, He is with God and waiting. I find your essays to be a rewarding read. I do have a word that I use often, I found in a prayer. Fruits of the Holy Spirit, LONGANIMITY! The meaning is to have patience in ones suffering. The joy of new birth becomes even more pleasing and loving is so easy. I hope I did this right and that it gets to you. Brother Tom O’Neill, Know that your in my daily prayers.

  7. I hate ALS, on behalf of Patty (my mom), Dave (my friend), Paul (your friend) and you. You help me to remember love in spite of the hate, and I love Patricia, Dave, Paul and you. Thank you.

  8. Dear Bruce,
    Thank you for putting your thoughts into words. I meet you twice – On that Sunday when you visited my Father and the day of his funeral. He would mention the bond that you two have and I know he was grateful for your friendship. I feel closer to my Dad when I read and reread your words. It has been almost a year since my Dad’s death and I find comfort in your love for my Dad.
    I can’t thank you enough, Paul, Jr.

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